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I was on an airplane, once.

happy-airline

Actually, I’ve been on lots of airplanes lots of times: mainly between Phoenix and Denver over the course of six or seven years. I liked it. I ran up some serious frequent flyer miles, and I met a few interesting people.

On one flight I found myself seated next to a very nice and prim-looking middle-aged lady. Somehow the conversation turned to writing and publishing — though I was doing neither at the time.

“I’ll tell you how to sell books,” I opined, head still spinning from that last martini before I boarded. “You need to tell people how to get thin, get rich, get laid, and live forever. That’s all that people want to know. They’ll bet their own money on a book that promises to reveal those secrets. They think it will tell them something new, and make their lives wonderful. All for $19.95.”

She laughed a bit nervously, I thought. Then, she told me how her husband was some best-selling Mormon author. Reflecting on it a bit, I decided her revelation basically supported my thesis.

And if you can’t understand why, I’m truly sorry for you.

Anyway, people want to know these things: They want to not be fat. They want more money (even if they already have enough). They want a share in the sexual adventures they suspect “other people” are having all the time. And they want to enjoy these things for an eternity.

Note that these values and ambitions apply mainly to this little country called “The United States.” You might not have heard of us. We are the largest consumer market for most things in the world, including books. I suspect residents of other countries might recognize these four things as generally desirable. But let’s just concentrate on the U.S. for now. ‘Murrica.

So, because I’m a generous person, I’m going offer up my best suggestions on each of these four topics here in this blog post, TOTALLY FREE! Full disclosure: I’m working on a reputation as a culture jammer and armchair revolutionary, and I don’t have much use for most publishing houses, nor authors who buy their way onto best-seller lists. 

1. How to Get Thin:  Every body is different, but generally you will get thinner if you remove sugar and sugar-like cheap carbs from your diet, drink a lot more water, and stay active through the day. Am I a doctor? No. But you’re probably not going to find a doctor who thinks getting the corn syrup and Cheetos out of your diet is a bad or dangerous thing. Once you’ve removed the sugars, you’ll probably run a calorie deficit. You’ll need to replace those calories with fats and proteins. Eventually your body starts burning fats instead of sugars, and you will lose weight. Combine with moderate exercise (walking a few miles a day) and moderate resistance training, and you’ll soon lose weight. You might still not be thin, but real thinness is rare–and not always healthy. Besides, in the U.S. what we call “thin” today was “chubby” forty years ago. Things change. (note: I plan on doing this stuff, someday.)

2. How to Get Rich: “Rich” is relative. James Altucher was a youthful prodigy who used his intelligence and connections to work his way up through the investment business to being a centimillionaire. That means he had a hundred million or so in the bank. It’s gone now, but before he went broke (a few times), the had an opportunity to see that as a centimillionaire he was still poor compared to the really rich people — the ones whose yachts are too big for most docks on the French Riviera.

So, I think trying to get rich is kinda stupid, but let’s just say that you want to be “comfortable” and just not need to get another title loan on your Malibu to pay your electric bill. The way to do it: Start doing something that not everyone can or will do. Find out what scares people and confront it yourself. Dedicate time, care, and effort to it. Become an expert–read and learn deeply. Make it first in your life, at least for a while. Don’t have relationships, don’t get pregnant or get anyone else pregnant, don’t let anyone stand in your way. When the money starts coming in, roll it back into your venture with training, improved tools, or by acquiring competitors. Don’t buy a fancy car or house. Just keep working. When you find you have a good wad of cash, invest it in a well-diversified portfolio of bonds and securities in a tax-efficient instrument like a Roth IRA. Avoid enticements to greed or lousy marriages, and you’ll likely not have to worry about money from that point forward.

3. How to Get Laid: Probably the easiest one to answer: You can pay people to do this. Though prostitution is illegal in most places, paying someone to sit in a motel room with you and just talk still can’t be prosecuted. There are many women with ads on Backpage.com offering to talk with men in their motel rooms. Hey! Maybe she’s there to “talk” but sometimes things happen, amirite? Thus, most of the advice on “scoring” is ridiculous, because you can buy sex, but you can’t buy love. If sex is all you’re after, save the money you’d have spent on that seduction class and email Charlie Sheen instead. That guy had it going on, and probably still has a good phone directory that he just might share–especially if you Paypal him a few bucks.

But let’s say that you either have moral compunctions or — even worse — secretly harbor an emotional tenderness, playah. In that case you’re going to need to get out and about a bit. Work on yourself. Be genuine. Get to know yourself. Develop your interests. Build a life based on your values once you figure out what they are.  It’s through these means that you’ll likely naturally meet attractive people — attractive people who will be attracted to you. At some point, you will find an opportunity to be alone together with one of them. Conversation will turn to more intimate topics. Some body language will be spoken. You’ll perceive it’s ok to touch and to be touched–gently, at first. There. Who got your hook up, G? It only took about five years or so. Sex Machine!

4. How to Live Forever: I can’t relate much to this one–at least not in the way most other people seem to. I think the real part of all of us exists in some eternal dimension. The person typing this to you right now is only the current instance/manifestation of Billness coming at you live from his bistro table in lovely Phoenix, Arizona. The Billness has descended before throughout history, alighting here and there for a time, offering inspiration and irritation depending on the circumstances. The Billness has always been, as has the Joan-ness and the Venkat-ness and the Chelsea-ness. Your mission as the custodian of your eternal essence is to be the best manifestation of whomever-ness you can be, and to love and honor what’s eternal in you. Thus, as the end of your shift here approaches, you can gladly look back upon being a good representative of the is-ness of your being. That’s all you really can do. The rest isn’t up to you.

So I hope you will find these tips of some use.  And although I don’t have a guide for you to buy or seminar for you to attend, I would just love it if you’d pick up a copy of my novel Eye of the Diamond-T available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. It’s only $5.99 for the ebook or $12.69 for the softcover. And I really think you’ll get more out of it than most books promising to make you thin, rich, sexy, or immortal. I really do.

What are you going to do today to get thin, get rich, get laid, and live forever?

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