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Enough of movies based on video games!



I want one based on an old favorite.

Open with a scene of a dirty boy drawing a grid in the dirt. Distant bongo drums. A cymbal swells. Tense shot of the boy’s eyes. With the grid drawn, he starts with an O in the center square. Reaction shot from a hulking alien creature, snot flowing from its prolapsed nostrils. “SQUEEEWHEEEEEEeeeee” he says, before placing an X to the left of the O with his squirming tentacle.

Young Ignatz (Johnny Depp) lives on an oxygen farm with his family in a remote section of the Ostrogon 14 system. Life is hard. His family is poor. His only hope of escape: His tic tac toe skills.

The game goes on while the opening credits roll and the title song by Peter Gabriel or someone plays in the background. The title should be “You’ve got the X” or “Row your O” or something. Lotta synth and drop-bass and mandolin or something. More close shots of tense eyes and flexing, snotty nostrils.

The game seems to be headed for a draw, but in the last move, his opponent makes a mistake — a deadly one. Young Ignatz triumphantly draws a line across a diagonal row of O’s. His opponent retreats, dejected, tossing the keys to a new RamBlatzz Q1.07 Personal Star Transport over his shoulder-like-bodypart.

Ignatz visits his dying father (Jack Nicholson) on his deathbed, telling him of his victory. He’s headed to the big time! He promises to return from Orlion 7 with enough money to pay for a liver transplant. Ignatz’ loving mother (Mylie Cyrus) is nearby and crying. “You look after yourself, Ignatz!” she declaims. She then goes on to sing the love theme from the movie as a sequence of a cool spaceship-in-motion is superimposed over her.

On Orlion 7, Ignatz is impressed with the large structures, all of which look like tits. He’s spotted by small-time hustler K’bongo, a half-breed Montowantian (Eminem). K’bongo stalks Ignatz as he wanders into a seedy tic-tac-toe bar (we can tell by the sign above the entrance).

Inside, Ignatz confronts a nest of unscrupulous and scary characters — the tic-tac-toe “scene” on Orlion 7. “Let’s see what you got, kid!” says a 2,000-lb fanged hippo-creature (Jesse Eisenberg).

After he’s won several rounds, a crowd has gathered. Ignatz has won 400,000 Orlionian Kronor for his skills. But his last opponent (a astro-gnat-vole hybrid named ******, portrayed by John Leguizamo) takes his loss hard. He pulls out a sharpened frisbee. He tosses the frisbee, but it’s caught just before it hits Ignatz’ face. An iron-gloved hand appears out of nowhere and catches it. On the back is a tic-tac-toe grid with all squares filled with a strange symbol.

“Welcome to Orlion,” sneers the dark, sinister voice. “I am Lord Wankah. I suggest you seek more suitable  . . . company. . . ” Lord Wankah (Ben Affleck) is the hideously-deformed former master of 3T in that quadrant of the galaxy. He lost a round and fell in a vat of acid or something. K’bongo is his servant.

Lord Wankah convinces Ignatz to participate in the latest round of qualifying events for the galaxy 3T tournament, where great rewards await him.

Ignatz is taken to Lord Wankah’s compound, where he meets young Arusula and Arsania, the conjoined twins who together are Lord Wankah’s consort (Olsen twins, joined at the stomachs.)

Soon, Ignatz is playing for love. He must win the tournament for enough money to save his dad and to elope with at least one of the sisters (he thinks the other one is kind of a bitch, but it never seems to be the same one from day-to-day). He also meets Kewpie, the Yoda-like 3T master (George Clooney in a cameo role).

There’s a training montage that’s intercut with a very awkward softcore sex scene. Kewpie teaches Ignatz to concentrate on the grid. He must learn the grid. Arusula just doesn’t want his butt in her face all the time. This is relevant. There must be a feminist undercurrent. Women don’t want men’s butts in their faces all the time. #fact.

In a cutaway, we see Lord Wankah talking with the Voluvian ambassador on super-space-screen-thingee. He’s offering Ignatz in exchange for the forgiveness of a loan on his lifted AstroTruck. The Voluvian ambassador says he will accept only if Ignatz wins the tournament, then he will take him to a system far away, never to be seen again. Lord Wankah agrees. After the screen shuts off, he confesses to K’bongo his plan to kill Ignatz if he doesn’t win. Arusula and Arsania overhear this. They return to Ignatz and tell him the plan.

On the day of the big event, Ignatz plays strongly against all challengers. There’s a very tense sequence where he remembers Kewpie’s advice. He also remembers his father and mother. He deliberately throws the match, but he doesn’t lose. His last match ends in a draw. There is much commotion! This is unacceptable!

“Don’t you see?” Ignatz asks the crowd. “Don’t you see that there need be no winners, nor any losers in tic-tac-toe? We’re all winners!” he proclaims, triumphantly.

“No, you are the loser!” says K’bongo as he shoots him with an Astro-pistolo or something. The girls rush to his side. But as the attendants are taking his body away, he says “Psyche!” and jumps off the stretcher and grabs the money, leading Lord Wankah and his henchmen on a merry chase through Lord Wankah’s palace, which resembles a tic-tac-toe grid. There is much tic-tac-toe-fu.

After a series of close calls, Ignatz and his conjoined-twin girlfriend(s) are back in the RamBlatzz Q1.07 Personal Star Transport and headed toward Ostrogon 14. In the back is a tied and gagged K’bongo, who will soon be without a liver.

This would be a good movie. I would watch it.