Select Page

The Whole Foods phenomenon can be summed up with one quote:


“I myself am hell” — Robert Lowell,¬†The Skunk Hour

whole foods confrontation

Thugs pure and simple.

A new Whole Foods store just opened in my neighborhood. It’s directly across from the gas station/car wash where I usually fill up.

Traffic’s almost gotten¬†dangerous there now. The intersection was questionable before, but now one needs to be on guard against some biz-school grad in a high-powered German SUV lunging homeward out of the parking lot lest his investment in a $10 magic head of lettuce start to wilt.

Whenever I drive past it I am reminded of this poem by Robert Lowell, which I think of as a meditation on the same sort of make-a-perfect-world-for-yourself pretension I see in a parking lot overfilled with new BMW’s with stickers in their back windows.

I wonder how long it will be before they need extra security in the parking lot.

When I lived in Colorado I heard that Whole Foods had hired extra security for their store in Cherry Creek. This was not to protect against thieves and interlopers in that tony part of of town, but to break up fights over parking spaces. I didn’t believe them at first.

Then one day I was walking around Cherry Creek. I happened to see the store in question. There was a Denver cop standing near the door. I asked him what kind of action he usually saw there.

“Oh you know, the usual.”

“Suspicious characters? Break-ins?” I asked.

“Oh no no no. . . ” he laughed. “Just confrontations over parking and that sort of thing. They get pretty crazy.”

So I’m just waiting until I see someone in expensive yoga pants getting run over by a wan-looking woman in a Prius while trying to rip off the car’s side-view mirror, or witness a sissy-boy slap party between two guys, their electric bicycles in a mangled mess behind them. At that point I am going to have to insist on asking for Sheriff Joe Arpaio to post someone there to keep the peace. I might even suggest Steven Segal, who lives less than a mile away.

I am coping as best I can with the recent incursion of this negative influence in my neighborhood and the undesirables it’s bringing with it.

Whole Foods is truly the lair of the damned.

photo credit: david_shankbone via photopin cc