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We have problems in the United States today, and not many solutions:


Illegal immigrants are rushing the gate, people are demanding legalized pot, the economy enters its fifth year of recovery that means nothing for you, the rich are getting richer and the poor poorer. It’s been revealed that we are under surveillance and horny computer dorks are looking at our children’s selfies. The VA is letting our veterans die. And people are finding severed heads on the lawns in Long Island.

The natives are restless. We need our bogeyman back–someone to unite us in opposition.


bin laden alive

Crack-a-lack, Bin Laden’s Back!

And Disney needs to maintain profitability. Franchises are where it’s at, Jack. You can’t just make one movie any more.

It opens with a black screen. Deep bass notes, the sound of an anvil. War drums. Far-off sounds of muezzin calling the faithful to prayer. As the screen gradually illuminates we realize we’re underwater. Suddenly the camera breaches the surface of the ocean. It’s revealed as point-of-view. We hear a gasping and a cough. There’s a fishing trawler nearby. There are excited shouts. A rescue float falls nearby.

A date appears on the screen: March, 2014

On the boat, there is much scooping and bowing among the agitated, faithful Muslims in the crew as the man is pulled aboard. He’s escorted to a stateroom. Allāhu Akbar!  This is all happening in first-person POV. Someone hands him a satellite phone then leaves the room. He dials.

“Nawaz. . . yeah, I’m back. Yeah, yeah . . . I don’t have time to talk. I need another airliner. Yes. A 777 should do nicely. Where am I? WHERE AM I? Where do you think I am? I’m right where the great Satan American infidel left me as Seal Team Six buried me at sea! And now the free people of AMERICA shall pay! I’m in the middle of the Indian Ocean!!!! I NEED ANOTHER AIRLINER!!!

Coming This Fall:

Zero Dark Thirty II: The Return of Osama Bin Laden


photo credit: 2winTradez via photopin cc